DISCOVER:
A TRAVELERS RANT

Dear Group of Children Aggressively Yelling “SIX SEVEN” in the Airport, I do not know what “six seven” means. I do not know where you learned it. I do not know who started this chant. What I do know is that you have been yelling it for 42 uninterrupted minutes inside a crowded terminal where everyone is already emotionally fragile. Six seven. SIX SEVEN. Six seven six seven SIX SEVEN. Is it a math problem? A TikTok ritual? A summoning spell? Are we opening a portal? Should I b

Dear Seat Mate in 1A Who Weaponized the Aisle, First of all, congratulations on your hydration. Truly impressive. Every 45 seconds you rose from your throne in 1A and made the slow, deliberate journey to the lavatory like it was a spiritual pilgrimage. Unfortunately, each pilgrimage came with a parting gift. Ma’am. This was not walking. This was crop dusting with intent. Every time you stood up, you released what can only be described as a silent atmospheric event. No warning

Dear Passenger Who Decided Christmas Eve Was the Day to Open a Full Gift Bag Mid Flight, First of all, Merry Christmas. Truly. But the moment we hit cruising altitude on this Christmas Eve flight, you reached into your carry on and pulled out an entire gift bag, complete with tissue paper, boxes, and what I swear was a bow the size of a wreath. Sir, this is not your living room. This is row 18. At 30,000 feet. While the rest of us are quietly spiraling about connections, weat

Dear Millennial Passenger in 2B Who Thought I Was the Genius Bar, Hello from 2A. I boarded this Atlanta to Dallas flight expecting a quiet journey. What I did not expect was to be hired on the spot as unpaid Apple Support. Every five minutes you tapped me on the shoulder with the urgency of someone trying to stop a nuclear meltdown. “Hey sorry do you know why my phone is doing this” Sir. I do not. At first I tried to help because I am a decent human being. Turn it off. Turn i

Dear Straight Swinger Couple Who Clocked Me at the Resort Pool, First of all, thank you for your confidence. Truly. It takes bravery to approach a stranger lounging peacefully by the pool, wearing sunglasses and minding his gay little business, and decide: “Yes. That one. He’s our guy.” Unfortunately, we need to clear something up immediately. I am gay. Capital G. Certified. Card-carrying. Your husband’s tan line, your wife’s ankle bracelet, and the aggressively long eye cont

Dear Michelle, My Emotionally Exhausted Airbnb Host, Thank you so much for the… experience… of checking into your Airbnb last week. Truly unforgettable. I especially enjoyed standing in the lobby in 90-degree heat, in JEANS, sweating like a sinner in church, because you were nowhere to be found — despite having my full flight schedule, ETA, and enough messages from me to qualify as a wellness check. And then — and THEN — when I sent a polite, tiny, barely-concerned string of

Dear Man at Gate B4 With the Floor-Kissed Hard-Boiled Egg, Ciao, my loves. It is I, Sassy Sorentina, reporting live from the Savannah airport — a place I once believed to be charming… until today’s event unfolded before my innocent Italian eyes. Picture it: I’m sitting at the gate, minding my own glamorous business, touching up my lip gloss, manifesting an upgrade, when suddenly — PLOP. Something white and oval hits the floor. A hard-boiled egg. Rolling. Rolling. Rolling… lik

Dear Man at the Next Table Who Treated the Parmesan Like It Owed Him Money, Thank you for tonight’s unexpected culinary thriller. I was simply enjoying my pasta when you reached for the Parmesan shaker and proceeded to aggressively pulverize your plate like you were salting a driveway in a Michigan blizzard. Sir, I have never witnessed someone commit violence with cheese until today. You weren’t sprinkling; you were summoning. The way you shook that shaker, I thought it might

Dear Uber Driver Hosting a Full International Conference Call, Thank you for picking me up for what I naïvely believed would be a calm 30-minute ride. But the moment I sat down, you immediately launched into a multi-person speaker-phone call in a language I do not speak… and at a volume usually reserved for fire drills and nightclub DJs. Sir, it is 6pm on a Monday night. Most people are decompressing, listening to music, or questioning their life choices. Meanwhile, you are a

Dear Underwear Hiding Beneath the Curtains, Ciao, bella — or should I say ciao, brutta sorpresa? I just checked into my Fairmont suite, ready for a little luxury, a little prosecco, a little “treat yourself” moment… and there you are. Lurking under the drapes like a shameful secret from housekeeping’s past. At first, I thought my eyes were deceiving me. Surely, a Fairmont would not come with bonus drawers , no? But alas, there you lie. Wrinkled. Haunted. Possibly sentient. W

Dear Parents of the Tiny WWE Champion in 11A, Hello from 12A — or as I now call it, the front row seat to your baby’s one-person wrestling show. While I fully support early childhood development, I wasn’t prepared for your little bundle of joy to crawl over the seatback like a caffeinated Cirque du Soleil performer, screaming directly into my skull while enthusiastically slapping my head like a bongo drum. At one point, I wasn’t sure if we were still flying Southwest or had b

Dear Passenger Who Tried to Open the Overhead Bin Mid-Takeoff, I get it — patience is hard. But when you stood up mid-takeoff as the seatbelt sign glowed like the gates of hell and tried to open the overhead bin, you single-handedly triggered the collective anxiety of 127 passengers and one flight attendant who nearly developed a nervous tic. Sir, we are still climbing. The plane is tilted at a 45-degree angle. If you open that bin right now, we’re about to be pelted by rogue

Dear Lyft Driver of My Midnight Horror Ride, Thank you for the smooth pickup tonight. Unfortunately, my gratitude evaporated the moment I looked up and made eye contact with the nightmare creature dangling from your rearview mirror. Sir, that Labubu is not “cute.” It is not “quirky.” It is pure chaos in collectible form—a demonic little gremlin grinning at me like it knows exactly when my soul expires. Each swing of the car sent its haunted gaze right at me, like a cursed met

Dear Lyft Driver of My “Fresh Ride,” Thank you for arriving promptly for my trip this morning. Unfortunately, the moment I opened your...

Dear Parents of the Free-Range Toddler in 14C, Congratulations! You’ve officially given birth to the first unsupervised Spirit Animal of...

Dear Traveler Who Left Behind a Crockpot at TSA, Yes, you read that correctly. A Crockpot. At airport security. While the rest of us were...

Dear Passenger at Gate T3, Good afternoon and welcome to the communal waiting area we all call the boarding gate. While most of us are...

Good morning (though “good” is doing some heavy lifting here). Thank you for promptly picking me up in Park City for my journey to Salt...

Good morning and welcome aboard today’s flight to Park City—the land of fresh powder, $19 lattes, and people who consider 7 a.m. “late.”...

Welcome aboard this five-hour voyage to Miami, otherwise known as your personal runway for 15 dramatic strolls to see your BFF three rows...